Marriage: You asked, We answered....

Fist of all, I hope you are well--not just that superficial “well” that means nothing terrible or life-altering is going on, but that you are content on a deep level and living your life well. That’s become my theme for this year and I’m trying to examine each area of my life under that lense and discard the “it’ll do for now” mentality that I sometimes have (especially towards cleaning bathrooms).

With that being said, when I asked for topics that would be of interest and value to you, one of the most prevalent was marriage/relationships. To be fair, I don’t think anyone qualifies to be an expert in this area and if they tell you they are, I’d steer clear. Relationships are so tender, so deep, so uniquely multifaceted that it takes constant sharpening, repairing, sacrificing to allow them to flourish. So yeah, anyone who tells you that they are “easy” or should be is probably missing out on the deeper levels that are completely worth the work.

Drew and I are simple when it comes to “things”-- we struggle to come up with Christmas lists, don’t really enjoy shopping, are happy with our Craigslist coffee table, usually eat off paper plates although our Crate and Barrel ones are great…..you get the idea. And both of us being that way probably saves us from arguments that many couples have about budgeting, saving, spending, etc.... but we have our hang-ups (and I am a sucker for sneakers).

Each couple is different, but for us, our relationship climate is most important to us (and has the biggest ripple effect), but we have come to learn that our methods of measuring that climate are different. Hopefully this makes sense, but it comes down to LEARNING how your spouse (boyfriend/girlfriend) feels loved and expressing love in that way even if it’s contrary to how YOU feel loved. And that’s no easy task for me and Drew is about as patient as they come. I think it defies all our human instincts because we assume that if we love someone, they will enjoy being loved on the terms we think are universally enjoyed (when in actuality, it’s just us projecting our view of love on them).

I know that just got deeper than my average blog post, so let’s make it practical. My love language is quality time. I truly don’t care what other people think or are doing or what I’m missing out on if I am spending time with Drew (unless my niece or nephews are in the mix and then it’s toss-up). So if Drew is busy for a few days right before the real estate auction (he and his dad flip houses), and our conversations feel short or I go on walks alone for three days in a row, I’ll start to feel my version of “unloved.” And of course it’s on a superficial level because I know Drew loves me and I understand why he is busy, but it still wears on me. And if I’m being more honest than I’d like, that’s a reason having kids scares me more than it should because I’m too selfish to give up or sacrifice the way I feel loved and the precious memories we are making by giving up time with him. Maybe it’s “sweet” if you spin it a certain way, but I can promise you that it’s selfish.

Now before this gets “dear diary” status and you know more than you ever wanted about our relationship (which is probably completely different from yours, but also the same) I’ll try to reign it in. Drew doesn’t need hours on hours with me to feel loved and that doesn’t offend me at all anymore. I’ve learned it’s good to have someone who balances that characteristic and I’m extremely thankful for our couple friends and the way he always makes sure plans are being made with them. Drew feels most loved when there is no shadow of doubt that I support him, respect him and think he’s the hottest specimen with the most perfectly chiseled jaw line and I’ll stop there because this could get out of hand real quick. That’s empowering to him, and makes him the most confident, secure, fulfilled version of himself.